A Letter From My Future Boss After My First Post-College Interview, As I Imagine It Today

So this is sort of a cheap blog-entry because I wrote this before I came to Copenhagen, but how things have been going in the "future" department, I think it's relevant and okay:

A Letter From My Future Boss After My First Post-College Interview, As I Imagine It Today

BY ANDREW IAN LIPSTEIN

Dear Mr. Lipstein,

I’d first like to thank you for personally redefining what we know as “charisma,” “magnetism,” and “professionalism.” Your interview, needless to say, went swimmingly. Not only were we all, here at our large company that makes creative publications of some sort, impressed with the fact your greatest weakness was being a perfectionist, but your subtle yet largely evident use of a power tie was original. Breath-takingly original. Your blatant eye-contact upon meeting myself, the President of the aforementioned company, and the CEO definitely corresponded with the promised “nose-to-the-grindstone” work ethic your cover letter promised. We also appreciated that the same letter distinguished you from all other job candidates by discussing the fact you are “multi-dimensional.” I gotta tell you, if we get one more one-dimensional average Joe, I’m going hand it in. I’m going to literally quit my job and hand the company over to you, you talented son of a bitch. In addition, the fact you ended your letter with the phrase “I look forward to hearing from you” implied a certain confidence that we don’t have the opportunity of seeing everyday. It was almost as if you knew that when we contacted you, it would be good news. Stunning.

If your flawless, charm-filled interview and Magna Carta-esque cover letter were not enough to sway us here at this company to hire you, than your résumé surely would have done the trick. Right off the bat: in High School you took “all classes at the Advanced Placement or accelerated level”? This is unheard of, and although we definitely trust you (because of the aforementioned eye-contact), we had to fact check this caveat of your résumé. I mean, nobody is able to take ALL classes at the Advanced Placement or accelerated level. What, were you some sort of well-rounded renaissance-man prodigy as a young high schooler? Out. Of. This. World. Surely this fact directly proves the multi-dimensionality mentioned in your cover letter. We also noticed from your resume that you were peripherally involved in QUITE A FEW clubs and organizations on campus. Writer for the newspaper? Kayak club? Young Republicans? Peer tutoring? Where do you find the time!? No seriously, we MUST know. How often do you meet someone who has been in at least four clubs in college AND has at least a 3.0? A 3.0 is a solid B. Most people get C’s. Transcendental.

Also, needless to say, the professionalism, symmetry and cool font you used on your résumé definitely stood out among all of the other lame candidates who used a right-justified Arial font without including their middle name.

Now, there is some slight bad news. Actually, two bits of bad news. First off: While there is definitely a need to offer enough money so that you can live within a few blocks of the city, we cannot offer you enough so that you can afford the Rittenhouse apartment you always dreamed of. Instead, we will be offering you housing outside of Fairmount Park…NOT! Why, of COURSE we are kidding. You will be offered one of three choice apartments located in the center of Rittenhouse Square under the necessary condition you leave garbage collection and recycling up to us (it’s just easier that way, I’m sorry.) Now, the second bit of bad news is no joke. While we would love to have you on as the position you requested, Director of Creative Things, as we stated in the interview, that position is already taken, by Dan Deirdoff. So, we are offering you the position of Assistant Director of Creative Things, being that Dan is bound to be fired in the next couple of months. Everyone knows Dan’s a total dick. It’s also assumed that you will move up on the company’s ladder until you single-handedly turn our already thriving company around into a global megaproducer of entertaining and humorous publications.

And before you take another thought about whether or not to accept our offer, a few more minor details:

• As you informed us of your quirky hunger schedule, your work hours will be 10:00-11:00 a.m. followed by a 2 hour lunch break, and then from 1:00-3:00. And yes, of course we will have a company fridge completely stacked with pizza, ketchup and diet root beer.

• Fridays will not be given off, but will be for the weekly softball game against or rival company that produces creative publications as well. We are in desperate need of a starting pitcher, and we heard about your slider.

• Just as a general rule of thumb: if it’s a holiday somewhere, it’s a holiday here.

Thank you, Sincerely, and Love,

Peter E. Flipcomber (just call me Flip, Boss, Bud or Big Guy)

President